do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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