im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
