Having a random hookup so left but love u
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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