oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
