im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
