I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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