The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
