never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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