you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
