You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
