Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
