I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
