She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
