Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
