You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
