What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
