all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
