I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
