Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
