yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
40s are totally the cure
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
