Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
