I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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