she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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