you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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