I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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