ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
