She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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