Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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