I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
jump out the window naked night went bad
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