so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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