I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he quoted the bible to break up with me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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