ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
