Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if only i could text you this smell
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
