you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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