Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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