i think i have two assholes
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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