Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
