he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
