New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
