google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
