We're facebook friends in real life
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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