I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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