oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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