i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
