Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
