My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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