Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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