We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
