Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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