Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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