and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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